Sunday, October 22, 2006


Picture if you will a graying, middle aged desk jockey, who may even admit to a bit of a paunch, and whose idea of serious exercise is a gentle stroll around the block every few weeks.

Visualise this same mild natured man, being awoken from blissful slumber at 4am, to the sound of garage doors being forced open and a car alarm going off. He rolls naked out of bed and grabbing a dressing gown on his way out of the house, he accosts a burglar in the act of breaking into a neighbour’s car.

He has been followed by his trusty wife of 30 years, greying hair cunningly disguised as vibrant red, obese and unfit, and similarly attired. She has had the presence of mind to grab the broomstick on her way out.

Yelling for her to pass him the broom, our about-to -be hero takes of after the fleet footed criminal, landing some nasty blows with the ancient, crumbling broomstick as the offender vaults easily over the spiked security fence.

Meanwhile the decrepit wife has caught up, and spotted a stolen bicycle perched on the neighbour's wall outside the security gate, ready for a fast getaway. She reaches through the gate and grabs the wheel, commenting that she is "determined the rotten bugger will not get away with this" and yelling at the top of her voice for the neighbours to call the police. (Poor thing was obviously in a confused state or she would have saved her breath, everyone knows calling the Police in our country is an exercise in futility and a waste of airtime....)

A mammoth tug of war ensues, while the criminal tries valiantly to pry the bicycle from the vice like grip of the determined wife. As he lunges at her hands to free the wheel, her grip eases and he finally gets away, but the gate has been opened slightly in the struggle, and our hero takes up the cause, sliding through and pursuing the criminal down the street.

He flings what is left of the broom, then picks up a rock with the intention of hurling it. Sadly, although he is well in keeping with Scottish tradition as far as the flapping kilt-like garment goes, he is not up to speed with such Caledonian sports as log hurling etc, and quickly realises that he will never span the growing distance that is being put between him and the intruder, who is now wobbling off down the road on the purloined cycle.

So he takes off after him, barefoot (well, actually bare everything) down the hill, and amazingly, with adrenilin induced speed, he catches up and pushes the fleeing burglar to the ground. Thus is born a new superhero, Flash Hoppe.

At this precise moment, a prowling Security company vehicle rounds the corner, instantly assesses the situation, and pepper sprays the reclining burglar, firmly hand-cuffing him and calling the Police. While waiting for the Police to arrive, the burglar lies groaning in agony on the ground, but is grateful, despite the pain, that he has been blinded by the pepper spray, and no longer has to see the terrifying sight of the old paunchy one, flapping along after him!

1 comment:

megansblog said...

is Super Hoppe available for birthdays, Bah-mitzvahs and other events?